Adjustments

Marriage is all about adjustments. How true. Where both think, (S)He is the one adjusting. The other person is at advantage. Anyway, one should not live separately in a marriage for long. It gives the freedom to be yourself and then there is a lot to adjust, at a point where you have enough reasons not to.

In earlier days, there were constraints. These are no more now a days with start-up salaries being equal to what their parents are earning after 20 years. The constraints and the hardship of life teaches you to adjust. The experience of life is less at the time of marriage and one does not know what is coming. The uncertainty teaches you to be prepared, and being prepared is preparedness to adjustment. There is desperation and eagerness of physical intimacy. Again, it was good old days where it used to be.

Availability has changed things now. This eagerness and the flow of sperms, more in the veins than in the genitals makes one blind. The first opportunity is the perfect partner. We justify the reasoning to validate the thinking rather than the reverse. The relationship begins. The bond remains stronger for a couple of years till the opportunities surface like the tip of an iceberg. The relationship get tested and continues. The adjustments that one makes start to strain ones’ boundaries. The docile ones are molded, the helpless stay on with change and adapt, others get strains on the surface like a leaf spring trying to come back to its original shape. There comes discussions and then arguments. The peace loving partner gives up and continue further. Its an iteration where we learn the meaning of coexistence.

Once you experience your life again, be it the advantage the work environment gives you, extensive travelling or the mandatory overseas assignments, you live the way you wanted, if at all now too that feeling remains. You are no more desperate, financially strained or yearning to adjust. You feel the flow, you follow your hobbies. You experience the world outside, you interact as being yourself.

Then, you try to have this feeling and this yearning to be fulfilled in your relations. Negotiations start. This time you don’t yield. Someone has to bend or the relation breaks. We make choices and live by these choices in uncertain future that is now, and would demystify itself as it would unfold in time. Change and risk goes hand in hand. Monotony has to go. Confusion arises and you don’t understand what to do?

Suddenly you realize, it’s not in your hand anymore. Much of water has flown under the bridge. Life is taking you adrift and you are no more in control. You think that you were, whereas you never were in control. One cannot take control of two bodies, two minds but his own actions. Reactions are unknown. Turning points are not defined by single person interacting with others. You learn. Remain confused if the cost was worth it?

Confusion in life

Went to Cousin's marriage on 7th Feb 2013. Met many relatives. I was not visible to anyone but my work was. I am invited to places by many now. I am the one no one cared about a few years back. I had hardly 10 people attending my marriage. I managed all - printing cards, actually I wasted my money on that. It was a hit ratio of 5%. I arranged a vehicle to go to the marriage. It was my boss's car. I arranged for the witnesses to sign my registered marriage. I was dropped at auto junction to go to my house after we came from the court of registrar by my in-laws.
I acknowledge my brother and sister who stand by me at every moment in need, my few friends who are crazy like me and rush to help whenever called upon, and myself who gets the strength from my God at difficult times.
I see myself being used. I am an object or a thing who fulfil the needs of other people. If this need can be fulfilled by anyone else, I am not required. Perhaps, this is the way humans are. It is a little confusing. What else one would want from me. That is the purpose I am there. That is the purpose others are there for me. If I think about it, I become sad. If i do not, I enjoy life. The more I analyse, the more depression. Is it because I only see bad things or negative thoughts? Must work on myself some more. I should not get detached from life. It would be quite cold in the Himalayas. Better think twice than regret later.
On the other hand, I can enjoy looking at people, on how they behave. I learn from it and be a better person. I can go back in past and pick up myself to be treated with care. Or pick on people like I was, and treat them as they would be treated years later. They will feel good and that feeling surely passes on to others, including myself. If I am capable of giving, then I should. Maybe that is the way I was to be. That is the plan. I am good so I am given a chance to be better. I should grab it and help others to help myself. Help myself to be happy, to enjoy the light in people's eyes as they receive what they deserve, to be anonymous and be there with all, with myself.
As I write this, I get out of negative thoughts. It is the sharing that helps. If there is no one to share with, my blog helps me. Thanks Google.
 

Too many transfers

After working with Dinesh mills, where there was no work at all, I understood that it is very difficult to sit idle. I used to spend 80% of my time doing nothing. I started collecting knowledge. I mean to say, collecting information and reading whatever came across. I also started writing books, poems and occult sciences. Was going crazy. The mill did not have any plans to expand as everyone was satisfied with what they were getting. The son of the owner was a new entrant and a immature lad. Lack of parental control and proper upbringing was obviously showing. Fortunately, he was my boss. The reason to leave the company was very close.
Got an opportunity with Welspun and I caught the first flight to Anjar. It was all so good. My wife was coming with me and joining the same organization, the kids were supportive in shifting in mid term of their school and the in-laws agreed to shift in with us. We were to start a settled life after all. A long term plan of 5 years was made. Although the city was very small, the roads dirty, no cleaning mechanism of the roads and rowdy people with lots of black money, but my family was together and that was what was required to be happy.
After a few months, my old friend Manoj called me up and asked me to apply to NTC. "What, a Government organization. No way" was my first reaction. On insistence, I applied just for the sake of it. But as fate had it, I got selected out of the blue and we decided to move on. The whole family shifted again within 11 months to Delhi. Wife left the job, kids had to leave the school and we were in Delhi. Now was the time to start a new beginning. All set for a long stay in Delhi, my old state where I grew up. I did my schooling. I bunked classes and watched Tamil movies for obvious reasons.
Anyway, life had some different plans for us. Three months later, the earlier organization - Arvind limited called my wife back. Offered her a senior role in the organization. My organization was also offering her a job. We were in dilemma. Ahmedabad is a good place to stay. We have our own house there. In-laws were more inclined about going back. Arvind is a good organization and my family was off to Ahmedabad.
We asked the kids "Unfortunately we have to shift frequently. Are you guys okay with it or is it too much for you to miss your friends, school and so on"?
The daughter Rhea was quick to react "father do not worry. We understand and we are okay with shifting and moving to new places. That way, we get the experience of different schools and places as well." I am her father. I understand her more than she think I do. She was making her parents comfortable. I knew she has understood when I looked in her eyes. Both kept quite and I gave her a big hug. She deserved it.

My daughter- Rhea

She is a shy girl, does not speak much, keen observer and very intelligent. When we go to her school for parent teacher meet to get a feedback on child’s progress, we are always welcomed by the teachers. Most of the time their response is – “What to tell you about Rhea? She is the best. I wish I had a child like her”. She is extremely good in studies, caring about others, obedient and just too good. That show what a good parent you are.” Well, when I think of it, I know there is very little contribution from my side to her growth. The credit goes to her (59%) and to her mom (39%). I have saved the remaining two for myself (2%).


I feel proud to hear such things about my child. I think we have done some very good deeds in our past or in our earlier births (if it is so) that we got such a wonderful child.

As I remember her childhood. She rarely smiled as an infant too. She used to stare at us. Whenever we talked to her, she looks at us as if we are some jokers telling her what she already knew. At the age of one, she could understand everything and would follow whatever we say. It was a dumb toy who will follow the command and would not speak a word. We got a game having 25 pairs of activity and their names. Like swimming and a picture of child swimming, running and child running and so on. The pictures were in similar color and the writing was also similar. We told her which goes with what. She observed once, twice and for a day and two. Third day, her mother asked her “Rhea, show me swimming” I shouted at Deepali. “What are you doing? She is too small to even see the difference. Let her grow”. Suddenly Rhea pulled the photograph of swimming and handed over to Deepali. “Good, now give me swimming, the other part”. Rhea saw a heap of 49 other cards. Her little hands moved through the cards. And before I could sense what she was doing, out came the card with letters written swimming. “What a fluke”. I said. “She can get some of the things in her little head.” “Wait till you see next” said Deepali. One by one, Deepali kept calling the names of activities and Rhea handed over the exact pairs to her. I was amazed. “Repeat that” I said. Once again the same thing. Okay, that was enough. I climbed down from my bed. Took the cards and mixed them up to my satisfaction. Now do it. Same result.

I could see the future of the child. I could see if she and her mother stay together we are going to get an amazing trainer and trainee.

After some days, my friend Vijay came to our house. Now it was my turn to show him a magical show. I took the game and asked Vijay to see what Rhea can do. It was me playing the role of Deepali and he was in my shoes. I could understand how much Deepali would have enjoyed the show. The difference was – She was the one who taught her, and I was just enjoying without putting any efforts on someone else’s skills. But it was my right. After all, I am the father of Rhea. That contribution is enough.

The innocent child

On 9th June 2010, I was in Ahmedabad with my family. I reached at about 7:00pm and Rishi (my son) just woke up from the afternoon sleep as he had a party day the night before. He likes me a lot so talks a lot to me. We sat in the balcony and he started - Pappu (he calls me that lovingly), you know what. My friend told me that we all have soul which resides here (He points to his forehead). And when we die, it goes to God. This is not true. Isn't it" he asked. I did not know what to reply. Looking at his age, I was a little confused, but thought of telling him what I thought of body and souls. "Dear, some say there is soul and some don't believe in it. If there is soul, it is in our body and no one knows where it is exactly located. And yes, people say that it merges with the supreme power after the body dies. I don't know if the should exists or not as I am not sure if the supreme power- the God exists or not." He spontaneously told me - "I know pappu that God exists, I was not sure about soul". There were a lot of discussions thereafter - about his school, studies, friends and so on.


In the night we all were at the dinner table, having our dinner. Rishi, Rhea, Deepali and myself. Rishi started again "Pappu, if the soul exists, then we take birth again and again. Isn't it? And you once said that I was a hippo in my previous birth as I like water a lot. Will I be a Hippo in my next birth too"? I said- "Yes, you may become one if you like water. We all will come to meet you in the jungle and watch you playing in the water." "Okay, that is fine" he said "When you come over to watch me, will you hold my hand and take me with you. I want to stay with you in all my lives"?

I was moved by his innocence and touched by his feelings. It felt very good. I kissed him on the head. He was busy eating his food and was unaware of the emotional storm going inside me. I felt like I put him in my pocket and keep him with me for the eternity. I don't know what will happen when he grows up, but I can always see a lot of love for me in his eyes.

Rishi's thoughts

Rishi is my son - 5 years old as of today (4th June 2010). It was day before yesterday that is on 2nd of June. He was standing near the balcony of our house in Ahmedabad and watching over the greenery of IIM . Our house is on 9th floor of the building and the view from the balcony is awesome. Some children were playing in the garden. As the dusk was being converted to night, parents were calling their children to come to their homes.


Rishi was looking at the lights far away and then he saw a faint light in the sky. He asked his sister Rhea - "Is that a shooting star?" Rhea knew it was a plane ready to land at Ahmedabad airport, but she replied "Yes, it is". Rishi closed his eyes and folded his hands. He was murmuring something which was not audible. Rhea called her mother and narrated the happening to her. Their laughter broke the mesmerized state of Rishi. "Dear, it is not a shooting star, it is just an airplane. Anyway, what were you doing?" asked the mother. "If you see a shooting star, and you wish for something, it happens. So I was making a wish" was Rishi's reply. And what you wished for? Asked the mother.

"There should be happiness in the world. There should not be any kidnappers who kidnap children and torture them. There should be no poverty and those poor children whom I see in the morning while going to school, should have sufficient to wear and eat."

There was a silence in the air for some time. Deepali did not know what to say. She hugged Rishi. His belief (in shooting star) and his thoughts made her wonder if Rishi would be able to survive in this world which is becoming professional and mean, day by day. Or he would have such an influence on the people that he would change the way we think and act. Although her negative thoughts were overpowering the positive thoughts, she did not want to influence Rishi's thoughts. There was some hope left in her which was raising its head for this world to be a better place. A place which She thought of, when she was a child herself. This connection, although feeble, was strong enough to for her to hold on for the moment.

I love my family

My wife – as all the other mothers, keeps very high hopes from my children. She works on it and put all her efforts to help them learn, do their homework, get them ready for the play and skits at their school and attends all the school functions taking leave from the office. Being a working mother, she manages the work pressures, still managing her time with the kids. This is taking its toll on her health too, but I know it will not deter her in putting her efforts to see the kids do well in studies and games. Fortunately, my daughter is one step ahead of her mom. She manages her homework, teaches her younger brother, and is so simple that would believe if any of her friends tells her that they have dido as their pet.

I am of the opinion that the child should understand the concepts and evolve, but my wife believes that the child should also have a good memory and should beat Albert Einstien hands down. She does not like if my daughter comes second in the class and considers it as her failure to give attention to the kids. My daughter is also on the same line and tops the class, well, most of the time. One person who is out of the line and does not bother about studies is my son and that may be the reason I like him. He is into his imagination most of the time with his small toys as they keep flying, talking, diving into his imagination. I remember calvin (the cartoon character) when I see him.

It was one of those times when I see the study room lights ON at 4:30 in the morning and I know it is examination time – be it monthly exams, half yearly or year end. My wife and daughter, both were on their mission.

The week went by and the tensions in the atmosphere were gone with it. The next week would be of anxiety. The results would pour in – one subject result per day. My daughter, as always was getting the best marks or almost best marks. Five results were out and she was first with half a mark lead over her closest rival. The final result would be out and we would get the winner. Day went by and my wife although in her office was like a lion walking relentlessly in his cage, looking at the time of return of my daughter. Two O’clock in the afternoon and she rang the phone. Rhea picked up and told that she has come second in the class, just half a mark behind the rival. “Its alright baby, may be next time. Don’t worry and don’t be sad. You did your best” was the answer by my wife. Commotion was obvious in her voice of an athlete who has finished second in a race with one hundredth of a second behind the first one.

In the evening, the detail discussion and revision of the answer sheet was ON. “Just one mark cut. Only if you would have got 20 out of 20, you would have made it. And see, the madam gave you 20, but then cut one mark. I think she saw your mistake and then cut the mark. Umm…”. Rhea told the story. “Actually I was given 20 marks and I knew that I am half a mark ahead from the other person. But then I saw my error which was overlooked by the teacher and I showed it to the teacher. Now I have 19.” There was a silence for a few seconds. “Mom, did I do the right thing?” Deepali hugged my daughter and said “Dear, even if you would have failed by doing so, I would not mind it. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. I was thinking that I lacked in my teachings and you came second, but I see that you have learned your lessons well. I am proud of you.”

I know there must be some good things that I did because of which I have got such a wonderful family. May God protect them from all the Evil and keep the innocence as it is.

My purpose in life

It was earlier too, but the things have increased recently. I try to find out the reason of me being here at this point in time. I have a job (decent pay), a good family, nice kids -- what else a person asks for. Still, something is missing. It is not that I am a boring person who sucks, but on the contrary I like to play, I interact with people quite well, fight with many and love many and so on... a unique human being like everyone else. Quite normal, if seen from a psychiatric point of view.

But now the story begins. I think what the hell am I doing? Going to the job, doing the normal work<<... Let me tell you that I am into Product Development in a good textile firm, doing good work and having three patents in my name. So calling my work " a daily routine" would not fit right.....>>, getting paid and coming to home. That is it. The people are hungry out there, we are killing the earth, environment is getting polluted day by day, forces at the borders are getting killed by the enemy and the climate, my children don't know who gives milk. They think it is the milkman who gives milk to us and not the cow until of course they are taught in the class and which they find quite interesting. They think that honey is manufactured by companies like all the other flavored products and not by the honey bee.

Anyway, in short I want to do something worthwhile. Which makes me happy. which gives my life a reason to live. I would like to contribute to the world, to the society, to give something BACK.

I tried my hands in business and ... OK you guessed it right....... Anyway, I am trying to get into big corporate as whatever they do at a small scale is huge due to their shear size. I think, it would be worthwhile to influence them in what they already have started - Corporate Social Responsibility and expedite it. I want to interact with the suppliers and work for them, uplift them.

I am trying the same with my current company and to tell you a secret, they are seeing what I am looking at....

:-)

Vivek